1. LIGHT COLORED CLOTHING! Gary Player was an idiot. Anyone wearing black to try and “keep the heat in” has never been to Myrtle Beach in July. Bring light colored shirts and shorts. (Richie’s Tip: Vodka stains are more obvious on dark rather than light colored clothing)
2. SUNSCREEN! Not SPF 2 either. You need SPF 1000. You will be in the sun from 7 am until 6:30 pm and spend some time hanging out by the pool. You will get fried. Be prepared for it. (Richie’s Tip: Wipe your hands after applying sun screen, you wouldn’t want the vodka bottle to slip out of your hand)
3. ALOE VERA! Nothing feels better and helps cool sunburn better than a rub down with Aloe Vera (except maybe that thing Guy does with the whipped cream…). Bring a bottle for yourself so you don’t have to mooch off of me. (Richie’s Tip: see number 2. Above)
4. TWO Pairs of Golf Shoes (or at least shoe trees to install at the end of the day). Your shoes will be trashed after 36 holes of sweating in them and will destroy your feet the next day. Either bring an extra pair, or some shoe trees (or BOTH). (Richie’s Tip: Vodka is an excellent remedy to soothe sore feet)
5. HAWAIIAN SHIRT! And not the same ratty one you wore last year! This is AGAIN MANDATORY for the cocktail party on Monday night. We also like to take a nice photo of everyone in their “finery”. (Richie’s Tip: You can remove vodka stains from your Hawaiian shirt with club soda. Or, if you’ve had enough vodka, just throw the damn thing away!)
6. HATS! Bring big ones and lots of them (refer to item #2 above). I recommend a large hat with flowers or something from the Kentucky Derby (no, the Big Yellow Hat is NOT available for use during golf). (Richie’s Tip: I like yellow hats…and vodka)
7. BATHING SUIT! The resort frowns upon the “Redneck Bathing Suit” which consists of the same underwear you just played 36 holes of golf in. You will need this for the “Pool Days” as well as for the “fashion show” on Saturday. (Richie’s Tip: The bathing suit is my favorite “vodka drinking” outfit – thongs make me giggle – but only when I’m wearing one)
8. Aspirin/Tylenol/Advil/Motrin/Benadryl. Any or all of these. For those of you who don’t play this much golf, you will be amazed what dehydration on top of sun stroke on top of 150-200 swings of a golf club will do to your out-of-shape, not-as-young-as-Iused-to-be body. (Richie’s Tip: Vodka is an “all natural” healer that not only relaxes muscles but helps get rid of hangovers)
9. SUNGLASSES! They do a great job of helping you avoid headaches when it comes to 12 hours of sun pounding down on you and having to squint all day. Oakley’s are not required as I have a pink pair with Cinderella on them that I can borrow from my daughter if you forget to bring a pair. (Richie’s Tip: After a significant amount of “medicinal” vodka, sunglasses may be the only way to play with your eyes open)
10. Cash. Try to bring a nice mix of $5’s, $10’s and $1’s. If everyone shows up with 20’s, it’ll be very difficult to make change for those side bets and skins. (Richie’s Tip: You’ll want plenty of cash…in case you need to purchase more vodka)
11. Hand towel. Stick it in your golf bag. During the day, you can put ice water on it and wrap it around your neck. You can’t believe the difference this makes. Also very effective for cooling you sweating hands when it’s VERY hot. (Richie’s Tip: Slippery hands make it difficult to hold on to your drink – which of course, contains vodka – and vodka on the ground does no one any good!)
12. Extra Golf Glove/Balls. You will wear at least two gloves during any one round because the sweat (or rain) will render one useless. Be prepared – and bring plenty of ammo. Golf balls are a little expensive in the pro shops here. (Richie’s Tip: Sometimes, when you have had more than your share of vodka, it’s hard to find your golf ball. However, usually you won’t care at this point – bring extra ammo)
13. Rain Gear. It’s not unusual to see rain in the afternoon here. Be prepared to play in the rain if there’s no lightning. (Richie’s Tip: If it’s raining, it will dilute your vodka – be prepared to cover your vodka. Also – if there is lightening, we will be able to go inside and drink more vodka…seems like every cloud has a silver lining!)